43 years of anxiety turned me into a negative, obsessive-compulsive person. I no longer lived for myself but instead to simply survive day-to-day, from one “crisis” to the next. I told myself I was highly sensitive, an empath, too caring, too emotional, overly analytical, dramatic, and basically, unworthy and undeserving. I focused on all the mistakes and bad things I’d done in the past limiting myself to feeling any true joy and peace.
I held myself back in all relationships. In fact, the only gratefulness I consistently felt was for the few people in my life that never waivered in their commitment in their relationships with me. I couldn’t understand why they stuck by me and thought perhaps they felt they had no choice. I blamed myself for every failed relationship as I could see how I held back or was too judgemental or wasn’t good enough.
I dealt with my problems in the only way I knew how…working too much, isolating myself, and avoiding reality by reading too much. It was much easier to focus on career success, keep my negative self from others and to live vicariously through the characters in my books. This pattern became so ingrained, it was all I knew. Efforts to break that pattern caused me to feel hopeless which led to suicidal ideation. It is difficult to admit that…mainly because I don’t want to hurt the people close to me. I don’t want anyone to feel bad that I didn’t confide in them. I was embarrassed by my feelings. From the outside, I know it appeared I had nothing to be sad about. I felt weak and didn’t want anyone to know how weak I was. I liked the successful image I portrayed but also felt stuck with it. I went through many therapists..at least 15 over the span of 20 years. And, many medications were prescribed.
A Journey of Mindfulness 